Dear Walmart (pronounced Wahl-maht for dramatic effect), and McDonalds:

Present circumstances compel me to write you, to beseech you to never allow teens, or those in their 20’s, or those of arrested in teen sensibilities to do substitutions on foodstuffs. And for you, McDonald’s to likewise keep our undeveloped youths from mixing coffees.

Whilst my peers may frown upon my dislike and disdain for the youth of today, I assure you, my animus is both well-founded in fact (eye roll) and well deserved. It is as indelible as the stain as Generations X through ought leave upon the totality of human accomplishment.

Therefore, I am writing to compel you to keep all under-developed tastebuds from doing two things. 1)Please have them abstain from pre-mixing creams and sugars into the coffee of the grown-and-sexy set and 2)Please forbid them from selecting grocery substitutes. No person under the age of 40 should be permitted to do such work.

Whilst most of my generation (GenX) Were competently mixing multiple cocktails for our parent’s soirees by the age of 11, it would seem that mixing a drinkable coffee after parsing our order 12 times like Sesame Street Silhouettes into your radio “tongue box” apparatus only yields a luke-warm cup of sweetened cream with half-cup sugar and a mere splash of coffee. Such blunders in my youth would have resulted in shame heaped upon me at my mother’s card parties.

Likewise, unfortunates not yet endowed by Motha nature with taste buds cannot fathom that Soy Sauce is never, evah an appropriate substitution for Hoisin Sauce. And said individuals should be restrained from making further tastebud related decisions in the fut-cha.

Thank you-p!

Very truly yours, Richard L. Shnooks, Esq.