Creative Writing Version

I have to work on the title, not sure what to call myself…it: “Crazy Cat Man” or a “Dirty old cat man”. I for one hate the word OLD because what is old, some people are old at 25 and some people are still young at 95, in a spiritual sense. But today I found out I was “nose blind” to cat vomit and shit, and it was…technically embarrassing. Oh, there she goes again. My 13 year-old tuxedo cat Seba running down into the unfinished basement to…finish her business.

Sol, my 4 year-old goes down there too. Me, I haven’t left my house for 2 months because of…human. Well, I normally have someone come in to help me with the cleaning 1 or 2 times a month, but even that’s been sidetracked. I kept telling him, we’ll clean the basement, we’ll clean the basement. But after getting a whiff, I taped off the folding door to the basement thinking that would keep the cats out.

Now Sheba has been sick, very sick she had been improving then suddenly relapsed today…if just so happened. My internet went down and they’re like: “We have to send a technician NOW! 2-4pm” Now if anyone has dealt with #Xfinity before, ya’ll know if you get an appointment that soon, Take it. So the technician comes over, when he enters he’s already acting like he doesn’t wanna proceed. There is vomit near the door. I’m like…wait, let me cover that up with kitty litter, he runs out the door. I’m like “Sissy” then I go into the basement, I swear it looks like a scene from Jurassic Park, turds the size of coconuts. I’m embarrassed and start cleaning. He runs out again. “Sir, could you come upstairs?” Me: “Me?” I say, all innocently. I know what’s coming.

“Sir, because of the cat shit in your basement…I can’t”

I’m like: “BYE-A!” as in “Kick Rocks, Bro!” I was offended, I barely smelled anything. So I open wide the hatchway, the kitchen window and the doors. I clean the poop deck and dump it outside on the flower bed compost. I think: “THE nerve of some people! THIS is why I love cats, it keeps the ASSHOLES out of my life…they NEVER wanna come over.” It was good to get out and into the yard after a cold December, January, and half of February, I fill my lungs with fresh air as I dump the dusty poop and vomit coagulated into clumps of kitty unscented kitty litter. My the air is so fresh out here.

I descend into my basement and wretch at the smell and nearly pass out. Damn, I hardly noticed. Me: “Hello, Xfinity. I owe your technician an apology.”

Stand-Up Routine Version
So I haven’t left my house for two months because of (long pause) human, but I found out I was “nose blind” to cat vomit and shit. My 13 year-old tuxedo cat Seba has been sick for months, runnin’ her ass down into my unfinished basement to shit and do God knows what else. She steps right over the litter box to go into the basement to do all her dirty business. Now I have a cleaning person that comes once or twice a month, but it’s winter in New England so I just taped off the folding door in hopes it would keep her ass from going down ther, but I was wrong. Today, my internet went down and they sent a technician over so surprisingly fast…they said: “We have an opening in a half hour” now if ya’ll ever fucked with Xfinity, you know that never happens so I jumped on that shit. “Yeah, come over now.” I said. As soon as the technician entered, he was already acting like he didn’t wanna proceed. I asked in all earnestness: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I point the technician to the box, he looked like he didn’t wanna touch anything. I said, it’s all wired right here. “Ahh, I need to go into your basement.”

“Of course you do,” I said. As we approached the kitchen I smelled something like bad vinegrette and buffalo wings. I looked down and said: What da fuck is dat?!” Cat puke by the basement door which was taped shut. I said: “Oh, fuck, let me cover that with some kitty litter.” But before I could turn around the technician ran outside like he had tight underwear on. I yelled: “Dude!….it’s only cat vomit!”

Five minutes later he comes back in. I’m downstairs assessing the shit-uation.

I covered up the vomit near the door with kitty litter – he ran outside and came back five minutes later. I’m sweeping turds the size of coconuts into the dust pan, I thought: “How the hell did this cat shit coconut turds?” Looked like a scene from Jurassic Park. I reflected on what I might be feeding her.

After about five minutes, the technician returns and runs halfway down the basement stairs and starts walking backwards like the Exorcist….So I’m cleaning up cat turds, scraping them up actually…with an ice scraper and dowsing the spot with bleach” five minutes later he calls for me. I yell: “Dude, it’s cat shit! It’s not the end of the world!”The nerve of some people!

I don’t know…SHOULD I BE embarrassed! I thought: This is why I love cats – they keep the assholes out of my life.

A few more minutes pass…”Sir, could you come up here please.” He said in this voice, like he had the police with him. “Sir, because of the…CAT SHIT…” He was talking like a lawyer now and that really bugged me. “…in your basement…I can’t!” Me: “What do you mean, you can’t? I tell you what BYE..as in Kick Rocks, Bro!” The technician is puzzled and frankly looks disoriented as he fumbles for the latch on the gate.

So I go downstairs to scrape free the last of the coconut turds from the basement cement and I dump the dusty poop and matted vomit outside on the flower bed compost and the air was so fresh and clean outside. But then I went back inside to wretch at the smell and nearly pass out – turns out I was “nose blind” to it. I owed the technician an apology, but can you blame me for not feeling guilty, it was the cat’s fault, not mine. I mean, this is why I love cats, they keep assholes from visiting my house.